HoneyMoon

Do you all have a voice in your head 🗣️ which keeps saying that you are the one who is wrong, in every situation, or is it just me.

Dealing with it was so much difficult earlier, when I was just limited to my outside world. And then what?? I got COVID+ second time. I was scared as fuck when I first got to know about it. It was scary as there was so scarcity of hospital beds in the city. And one night I almost couldn’t feel any energy in my body, my BP went super low and that’s when I actually realised that I can die. I can lose everything I have, forever. Do you get me! Each breath was a blessing then.

I didn’t lose taste and smell for long, but my brain fog was for real, I had to think for 5-10 secs. Before saying anything, I kept forgetting things, couldn’t process thoughts properly, and maybe you won’t be able to relate but when your body stops responding slowly, that’s the worst thing. You actually get to see yourself dying. It still makes me emotional how tough that was, watching people die and thinking that I might be next. It had been almost a month, I was still positive and then I was sure, even the doctors had said, that it required great will from my end to make through it, I too became a part of group of people singing ode to death.

My whole life used to revolve around whenever I used to close my eyes and I realised that actually I have nothing to call my own. And it actually hit me hard.

I started loving my parents little more then. Those were the days I actually realised what a love without conditions feels like.

I fell a little more in love with myself too. For the very first time. I could feel that voice I talked about earlier fading down slowly. I used to look at my hands for minutes, my nails, hair, that peachy fuss on face, even one pimple could make me realise that I am alive. I was a miracle to myself.

My recovery period was said to last for six months and during which I was strictly prohibited from any outing, and I have been home alone twice post that for days. I have lost significant amount of hair, gained 3-4 kilos, my skin went berserk and my BP still fluctuates. My hands tremble more now and my voice has become shaky, Still I find difficulty in breathing sometimes or during walks for long duration. Though nevertheless, I still went to a club this time and it was refreshing af.

Post covid things had changed drastically for me.

My body was weak, but my mind felt as if it had shed skin. I could think more clearly now, because I knew what mattered and what not.

Earlier I used to fight for people so that they won’t leave but then I realised fighting for self is more important.

My Covid was tough but was worth it. I am actually grateful that I went through it. It made me question a lot of things.

When back then I used to feel uneasy if I couldn’t talk to my friends for a day, now days pass by without talking to anyone and IDC 😑.

Don’t you think we are our homes. If we are not comfortable with ourselves, how can we feel happy around anyone else.

It is not that this transition which I am still just a few percent into is easy. It is absolutely like going through hell, because we make negativity our comfort place and moving out from it is hurtful. Breakdowns during cooking or bathing are pretty normal then.

See, all I want to say is your belief in yourself is very important but should be flexible to adapt change. I mean why not, if you get to add something good in your belief system.

Our belief system plays a very important role in our overall happiness. It keeps us satisfied.

Well yes! I also hit on Omegle sometimes when I feel I have nothing to do. Though I had a different image of it in my mind, you do get to see dicks and dickheads but as per my experience they are seldom. Max.of the time I got connected to decent people and we have had talks for more than an hour. You get to learn their side of story, their opinions on different things and it is psychologically uplifting.

Not everyone hates you, okay! You are loved as other people and you too deserve all the love and happiness around but just don’t be a slave of your negative thoughts. They’ll eat you up and you won’t even realise, they can snatch away your closest relationship or friendships or can make you feel insecure unnecessarily. Okay! Remember being kind to yourself and treating others with kindness too. People might confuse being nice or being kind as flirt (this thought is cringe, but is true) give them a kick and then move on.

Accepting things is the best way to deal with any situation rather than creating fake scenerios in your head. It might days, weeks or months but you’ll come out more strong. Trust me.

And yes being kind doesn’t mean you’ll let people mistreat you. Be ready to accept change and walk away. That’s the most boss move you can ever do. You too can be right sometimes, if not every time 😉

Not a BTS fan, but man!!!!!!! Light it up like a Dyanaaaamite!!!! Those guys are cute though!

Atlast fuck your expectations, both yours and others, life doesn’t work this way.

Fuck your trauma.

Fuck your fear of failure

Fuck those who wronged, inspite you being good to them.

Fuck the desire of a photoshopped body.

Fuck those stupid reasons to stick around with people

Fuck stupid reasons to hate yourself.

Fuck being a mother to everyone.

Fuck comparing your life to those of others.

Fuck staying in the past, and wishing if things had been different.

Fuck being a side actor in your own story.

Fuck staying quiet, when you are being manipulated.

Fuck being kind to Assholes.

Fuck changing youself to get accepted or approved from others.

And fuck you! If you still want to be a victim and not a survivor.