HoneyMoon

Hello Buddy,
I just want to say that as year end approaches, I lost. Now when this year started I had hopes, you too had. And this year was nothing but pathetic for both you and me. If you are my friend, you must be aware of my midnight anxiety calls, and you calming me down. As the year ends I truly want to acknowledge that yes! I lost a lot, parts of my inner child, and those voids were filled by fear, longing for a home which doesn’t exist.
Aren’t we too busy in living a life meant just for a showoff. I just feel so. And whenever I have tried being that most righteous, high moral human, I have failed, miserably. And honestly just like you, I had my own new year resolutions, of becoming someone that would do all right each time. But I got lost, I don’t know where, that’s not me.
All these 25+ years on earth, I learnt we have two types of friends or say lovers, homies whatever…. One are those who accept you, the way you are, who doesn’t want you to change but to embrace your dark sides beautifully. Second ones are those who want all unicorns and rainbows, who’ll make you believe you are broken, who’ll assist you to fix you. Fix things which are wrong according to them.
It is a weird thing when you don’t believe in yourself, who accept you need some sort of fixing. And I believed that too. Detaching from my real side, I went to this uber righteous Parul. Who isn’t impulsive, who thinks before she speaks, who doesn’t yell, who is always there, who keeps herself last, who wants to stay, sort things, who only speaks things which are approved off, which my friends would like to hear, I thought maybe then I can fixed, loved unconditionally.
But as they say, it doesn’t work that way. I lost that kid inside me, all left with void. I got sick, brutal sick, and those moments made me realise that whatever we do, there will be a few who won’t be happy with it and if those are close ones, and if they uneasy with your happiness, probably they are not the right company.
I realised how each of one is different but not wrong and neither right. We are just hanging in this thing. We are all just a result of actions, of what happened to us in past.
You have this rage in you, that fire for revenge, of how could they wrong you, I had that too. I wanted to yell and shout but it doesn’t help. What helps is putting yourself back together, even if you feel like the world is going tremble and fall.
At the end of the day, the so called inner peace is not achieved from folding hands infront of that deity, but to look inside and realise your own morals.
There is this saying that when you know who you are, when you know what you want from life, things don’t upset you. So it is all inside, that home you seek in others is inside.
People are out there being manipulative, playing mind games, treating you badly, because they themselves are hurt but don’t realise it. If in this lifetime you find a friend, a parent, a lover or a companion who truly wants good for you and would choose you over anything, consider yourself lucky man! World gets brutal the more u start to know it.
But inspite of whatever if you still chose to be kind, talking politely, respectfully, even if you are losing your shit, being mature enough to understand that pain spares no one, be proud of yourself.
Because unlike what we think we are all struggling inside to find a home, and we are the ones who would guide each other there
There is enough of toxicity in the world, people would promise castles and take away all you had.
And when I said I have lost, I have lost my fight with all this hide and seek, all this longing to make peace. I lost that I can’t put up a happy face each day, I have my bad days, I struggle to eat for weeks sometimes, I lost when I tried to turn my emotions off, because that is not me. I am impulsive, I say what my heart feels, I don’t sugarcoat, I forgive and forget easily, I laugh loud also I cry loud, I love innocence of each one of you, I know inspite of how strong faces you all put up, you are scared, we all are. Bruised, failed in love, friendship, as parents, as partners, wistful, full of confidence one day and shattered the next.
There are lot of people who tell me that I m emotionally unstable, as if they are coming out straight from a psychology course, I m just a human. I care too much, I talk too much, I laugh too much, I even cry too much, but at the end I m just a human. I can’t turn things off, else I’ll die. I don’t want to die. I am not super ambitious, I just want to earn enough to live and be happy, I don’t believe in super goals because deep down I know I’d be empty.
We all feel we are lost, but we just want to be found, rescued by someone who would understand the bruises, be kind to us, who would show us that not everything or everyone here is bad. Just someone who would wait, would be patient enough, who won’t keep fixing us, but the one who’d understand.
I was finally tired of all these wrongful things, labels, mistreatment, manipulation, being treated as if I m something to be tolerated, being just a mere possession.
As the year ends, I have learnt this one thing, just be brave enough to know you don’t deserve this. And I m so grateful to each one of you. I m so happy finally to realise I have people around me who actually showed me what I deserved, who showed me that I m not the one who is always each time wrong. I learnt that self belief this year, I am Thankful to each one of you as how you all of call check on me each time I lose my mind.
As Maslow says, inspite of what you achieve, your emotional connections are the most important, treat them with care. ❤️ And all I want to say is live your best lives guys, world is going to get more fucked up so just make the best of it.

Special shoutout of this year goes to Stuti. Youngest of all, still grandmother of this season. It is tough for me to express how much that kid means to me. I want to keep her near for a long long time.

Thankyou for giving me your time.